April 9, 2011

The legend of the Halbatroatess

Archiving my inbox, I stumbled across an old e-mail, with the timestamp of "Mon, Mar 5, 2007 at 12:45 PM". The title is "The legend of the Halbatroatess", written by that venerable Iowan, Robert E. Ogden, Esq. Read along with this video, and the mysteries of the universe will be unlocked.

On a lofty night, when the moon sang to the sea, there emerged, bourne of evil supreme, the hatefish. Once the hatefish had devoured its fill of beastflesh, it stalked to find a mate in the cloudy morn. It discovered it's prey: the wild, tooth-beaked horns of the southern-indochinese albatross. The two mated severely and ferverously, and the spawn was the fearsome Halbatross. The Halbatross is part man part albatross, and all hatefish. The Halbatross knows no measure of sympathy, and can devour entire civalizations of dark-skinned peoples without a second though and a laugh on its fetid breath.

And one day brought a time and a place where the Halbatross desired a mate. It sought the strongest of the cyborgs, a legend of mythical import, to bear its loathsome offspring. It sought J. Oatess, the master of the race of men-borgs, the strongest and most ruthless killer the night had known. And in the folds of the black evening, the Halbatross came upon its prey, and took him with zest. The great cyborg did not protest; oh no, he had been feeling randy in the first place and was glad to give himself to the hungry Halbatross. Their lust was shameful, but they dove headfirst into one another with abandon.

Several thousand years later, as an indirect and questionably linked off-shoot of this fateful eve, there arose from the bloody waves a creature so foul and loathsome, so deplorably despicable, that William Shatner was forced to bear his own children. There are no words to describe the horror of what had become; the horror of the great and mighty Halbatroatess. It was a deformed and hideous menace, a plagued leper so fitful that one could not lay eyes upon it without having a spontaneous seizure-orgasm-enema. So it let out a throaty groan, and its hooved foot, only one, mind you, stamped and mashed through flesh and bone. Many a man-creature was cleanly severed and many a loin was brought into the belly of the Halbatroatess. Only God knows what chaos the Halbatroatess has wreaked on one fateful nacht or another. Of the carnage left in the repugnant wake of the Halbatroatess, there is little more to be said. It munched the hatefish from the sea and snatched the albatross from the air. It mated with both of them and the Halbascrotles were bourne, unholy little bastards, to plague the earth long after the Halbatroatess had glutted itself on flesh. The fruit of the loins of the Halbatroatess still scourges the earth to this day.

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