Archiving my inbox, I stumbled across an old e-mail, with the timestamp of "Mon, Mar 5, 2007 at 12:45 PM". The title is "The legend of the Halbatroatess", written by that venerable Iowan, Robert E. Ogden, Esq. Read along with this video, and the mysteries of the universe will be unlocked.
On a lofty night, when the moon sang to the sea, there emerged, bourne of evil supreme, the hatefish. Once the hatefish had devoured its fill of beastflesh, it stalked to find a mate in the cloudy morn. It discovered it's prey: the wild, tooth-beaked horns of the southern-indochinese albatross. The two mated severely and ferverously, and the spawn was the fearsome Halbatross. The Halbatross is part man part albatross, and all hatefish. The Halbatross knows no measure of sympathy, and can devour entire civalizations of dark-skinned peoples without a second though and a laugh on its fetid breath.
And one day brought a time and a place where the Halbatross desired a mate. It sought the strongest of the cyborgs, a legend of mythical import, to bear its loathsome offspring. It sought J. Oatess, the master of the race of men-borgs, the strongest and most ruthless killer the night had known. And in the folds of the black evening, the Halbatross came upon its prey, and took him with zest. The great cyborg did not protest; oh no, he had been feeling randy in the first place and was glad to give himself to the hungry Halbatross. Their lust was shameful, but they dove headfirst into one another with abandon.
Several thousand years later, as an indirect and questionably linked off-shoot of this fateful eve, there arose from the bloody waves a creature so foul and loathsome, so deplorably despicable, that William Shatner was forced to bear his own children. There are no words to describe the horror of what had become; the horror of the great and mighty Halbatroatess. It was a deformed and hideous menace, a plagued leper so fitful that one could not lay eyes upon it without having a spontaneous seizure-orgasm-enema. So it let out a throaty groan, and its hooved foot, only one, mind you, stamped and mashed through flesh and bone. Many a man-creature was cleanly severed and many a loin was brought into the belly of the Halbatroatess. Only God knows what chaos the Halbatroatess has wreaked on one fateful nacht or another. Of the carnage left in the repugnant wake of the Halbatroatess, there is little more to be said. It munched the hatefish from the sea and snatched the albatross from the air. It mated with both of them and the Halbascrotles were bourne, unholy little bastards, to plague the earth long after the Halbatroatess had glutted itself on flesh. The fruit of the loins of the Halbatroatess still scourges the earth to this day.
"02/11/09 Wed, 1723 Traffic Crime – DPS received a complaint of a rental truck almost hitting another motorist. A visiting Japanese businessman admitted to having difficulty adjusting to American driving practices and briefly drove on the opposite side of the road."
"02/10/09 Tue, 2223 Suspicious Person / Activity – A processor called 911 to report he was not getting as much work as he wanted at his plant. His company would not purchase him a ticket home and he felt this qualified as kidnapping. He was advised to contact management in the morning."
"02/10/00 Tue, 1348 Welfare Check – At the request of a relative, an officer went to an individual’s residence to check on his wellbeing. He was found breathing and responsive, but in a drunken stupor in his bedroom. Relative expressed regret for having supplied the liquor."
More good stores from Dutch Harbor and the blotter in the LA Times.
Most American cities have a street named after Thomas Jefferson. But in Springfield, Mo., he's side by side with another great American hero:
I actually got pulled over by the cops for this. Turns out police HQ is right across the street and they were suspicious: Cop, at window: "Were you just taking pictures of headquarters?" Me, surprised: "Huh? No, I didn't even realize they were there...I was taking a picture of the sign. Bob Barker...thought it was funny. Here, I'll show you..." Cop, looking at pictures on camera: "Hmmm...you're not from around here, are you?" Me, explaining all the kids in spandex he's undoubtedly seeing: "No. I was at a wrestling tournament. I work for a newspaper in Waynesville. Sportswriter." Cop, bemused, handing camera back: "I see...well, you can go, we just wanted to make sure..."
So, here goes day two of life without purpose (so far...it's temporary). The other day I felt like diving into a pool with a wet suit.
Regardless, I found this weird story in the Freep this morning, as I was eating my breakfast sandwich at the Palace. It's about Neo-Nazis in Detroit. They don't appear to be too successful.
They also had a story about how the Cincinnati Reds batted out of order yesterday. What is this, middle school? The thing I thought was funny was how even though David Ross flied out to center, he batted in Corey Patterson's place, so Patterson was called out. Ross got to come back to the plate and got a single.
Man, is baseball a great, fucked-up game.
Lastly, the new album from the Breeders (you know, the band that Kim Deal runs since Frank Black doesn't let her do shit with the Pixies) is really solid. She doesn't scream as much as Frank Black (never has) but sometimes that's a good thing...it's chill. Check it:
