April 30, 2008

"I'm kind of a neat, funny little guy, right?"


This semester, while in the Vonnegut seminar, I occasionally jotted down some of the comments made by Dr. John Reist. Listed below are the quotes I found in my notebook, if you can list another, put it in the comments and I'll add it to the list. But before the list of quotes, here is a possible definition for a term he used in class:

Flippydippin - (v) the way in which young women prepare to jump into a pool.

"I'm kind of a neat, funny little guy, right?"

"Every table participates in what? ... Tableness."

"Let's play suckface, but that's not being coy."

"The first honeymoon is Niagra, the second honeymoon is Viagra."

"Get up, there's plenty of time for sleeping in the grave."


"Life is a bitch, but some days it has puppies."

"What is sex? About twenty minutes."


"I've got wrinkles, but they're Vonnegut wrinkles."

"When you get up in the morning, smile and get it over with."

"Dole-Rigiasiti Bingo!"

"Hey whoa man yeah man hey whoa."

"After their third cocktail, everyone looks - what? - sociable."

"Sexuality is about as meaningful as peanut butter."

"Cheap intimacy is worse than a Gatling Gun."

"Or call me Knob; that's what they called me in college."

"A picture of somebody's butt is not a picture of somebody's elbow."

"[Singing] Silent night, holy night, INCOMING!"

"Shooby-doin the chow chow."

"Go get a job, Larry. Go suck an egg. Go hug a nut."

"If you have an English teacher who doesn't know the answer, you might as well major in spaghetti."

"Why do you wear your hair that way? Hey nice wig."

"It's enough to make a monkey bite its mother."

"You haven't tasted anything until you've tasted Pennsylvania Dutch sticky buns."

"I've got principles. If you don't like them I've got other principles."

"If you read your autobiography and didn't know it was yours, you'd be bored to death."

"This chooch!"

"I'm gonna die anyway, so why didn't it happen last year?"

"You don't have to been-there to done-that."

"Today we're looking at ... Soul on Ice, by Elder Cleavage."

"Fiddler! Messiah! Let's get packing!"

"You're right to hate religion. Religious people are boring, arrogant, or both."

"The Hellsdale Collision. The Hillsdale Concussion. What is this, a college?"

"Someone asked Sophocles once about what sex was like at age eighty-three. He said, 'I'm glad to have that monkey off my back.'"

"People who have ennui are what? Indescribable sloths." [points to self]

"If you can't figure out your emotions on your own, you're either a woman, a Christian, or both."

"Columbus was Italian, Catholic, and a sailor. How you can be all three at once, I don't know."

[To a history major who recently got engaged] "History, Hillsdale, and what's the third strike? You!"

"We used to call happy people gay. Now it means you're a homosexual. Many homosexuals are not gay. They're not happy. They're miserable, in fact. And it's not all their fault. Is it?"

"Wha' happened?"

"Is there something wrong with me? I can't find chalk."

"Did you know John Calvin had migraine headaches and spit blood? The only way he survived is he convinced himself it was predestined."

"This is Wendell. This is what he did. Now, he dead."

"When nobody bathes, nobody notices."

"You need to get married, fall out of love, and proceed to your funeral."

"It's always sad when people take their faith seriously."

"Every time my wife leaves me, she comes back. You know why? One: I got lots of money, and two: I got forearms like railroad ties! Would you leave a guy with THESE?"

"In a Puritan cemetery is the gravestone of an eight-month-old infant. It says, 'Since I was so early done for / I wonder what I was begun for.' And you say Puritans had no sense of humor."

"Let me take the other glove off."

"You know what's so great about harassment? The her-ass part."

"I'm not much to look at, but I sure am provocative and challenging, eh?"

"That [flares nostrils] was my siren call to my wife."

"If everyone said what he wanted to, right now, civilization would collapse."

"Shizookum is Jewish for 'Don't.'"

"Bernice, bobbing, barbershop, bathing, BITCH!"

"Why do I know everything and you don't?"

"Please excuse my long letter. I didn't have time to write a short one."

"Do you know that awful song? Sing with me: 'Jesus loves the little children, / All the children of the world, / Chinks and niggers, kikes and wops, / Jesus thinks the kids are tops.' What's wrong? You stopped singing?"

"I look cool in white knickers."

"If I ever write a novel, I'd call it 'Road Kill.'"

"I've got to check my plumbing."

"It wouldn't make any sense if the world didn't make any sense."

"If my name was Atticus Finch, I'd shoot myself."

"Flakey, flunky, flukey, flu."

"Skank bags."

"That's funnier than a truck full of dead babies."

"Six eagles for every student."

"Cats -- meow, scratchy, scratchy, scratch."

"Some people think Vonnegut is one big, fat juicy nihilist."

"Well, I like to make love and I like to laugh, and I'm working on a way to do both."

"It's not hard to love a snail. Some people eat them."

"Revolution is coming. It's in a phone booth."

"When an 83-year-old woman says that to you, it's time to back up the truck."

"Hot black coffee and junk magazines."

"I know that sounds seixst, but studies have been done."

"To me it was like watching somboedy go to the bathroom."

"I haven't done my herbarium."

"I've spooned with so many women."

"Monkeys at the monkey house play with each other's...ear lobes."

"At a Bennigan's or a Hooligan's or whatever..."

"High school girls are...flag twirlers...oh, sexy to death!"

"Hamlet is not about Wendy's hamburgers."

"Save yourself from self-slaughter: read Kurt Vonnegut."

"Midland? Hey woah, I wonder what kind of art show they have there!"

"Harvard is the Hillsdale of the East."

"We blacks and Jews gotta stay together!"

"You should wash your hands. It's hygienically and Biblically okay, I guess."

"The Greek word for soul is 'neutere. Or in this picture's case, it's 'nuder.'"

"There's always windows in buildings that are civilized."

"You know what the pastor room is like? It's filled with wine bottles. And potato chips."

"In heaven there is no beer; that's why we drink it here."

[in reference to the film Splash, with Tom Hanks] "How can you make a banal movie about a mermaid!?"

"Listen Larry, Winston Churchill did not die for your sins."

"Ever have a nightmare where mosquitoes are coming after you? How about your college professor?"

"You have to know what sleeve garters are for or else you're not a human being."

"You always have to be in the mood or in the nude."

"Being a pastor is good beer money."

"A young prude is worse than an old prude."

[in reference to a Cuneo]: "He's going into the priesthood instead of the Reisthood...probably a good choice."

"Anyone here's mom perpetually virginal? As your dads. [short pause] Wait, no don't ask your dads!"

A note from one of Reist's past seminary students, Rick Behrens:

Don't know if anyone looks at this blog anymore, but I was a seminary student of Reist's at CBTS. Some of his gems have stuck with me. "Fundamentalism is neither fun nor mental." "God bless you, godamnit!" From his daughter about the joy of a good crap, "Daddy, how come when I'm about to poop it feels like Christmas is coming?"

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Changes in the cognitive surplus are revolutionizing our world

I can't put into words how enormously important this 15-minute video is:

Clay Shirky on the "cognitive surplus", social media, Wikipedia, and why World of Warcraft and lolcats are better than television.

Excerpt: “All of Wikipedia...represents something like the accumulation of 100 million hours of human thought.”

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April 29, 2008

The Billy Letters

A man poses as a 10 year old boy and writes to incarcerated serial killers for advice. He also solicits Dick Cheney, Larry Flynt, Clarence Thomas, and Alan Greenspan.

“Your parents are right. You can subscribe to Hustler when you turn 18. Hang in there – you'll be 18 before you know it. Until then, you should read the Sears & Roebuck catalog.”
—Larry Flynt

“I like the Egg McMuffin. Actually, I like almost everything there.”
—Clarence Thomas

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April 26, 2008

i juggle

I found myself online. Photos from Rochester Spring Juggle-In, 1, 2, 3.

Edit: These too, from Davenport, Iowa IJA, 2005: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

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April 24, 2008

Place in Lafayette

Naomi and I found an apartment in Lafayette. It is across the street from a pastry shop and a Catholic church and about two blocks from downtown. Below is a map from the apartment (A) to the brewery with $3 pints (B).

The apartment is in an old Victorian house:

Also, if you google "Jonathan Dunn" the first result is a contemporary Christian musician who shares my name. Thanks for pointing that out, Econ.

April 22, 2008


While Googling myself to find out my real legacy, I've found that there's a blog devoted to Michigan Beer that happened to feature my story on the subject. Kind of sweet.

To pose a question: what makes a good legacy, anyway?

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April 21, 2008

The conservative t-shirt industry must die

Exhibit 1. Darsh with a shotgun. Proudly posed as if to say "Get your hands off me, you damned dirty gun-grabbers!", this gentleman is doing his best to disenchant the liberal elite of their delusions of gun owners as uncivilized, unhealthy, irresponsible alcoholics.

Exhibit 2. Free-spirit conservative. Who needs a comb... or a brush... or showers... or to pay attention to the camera?

Exhibit 3. Not that kind of girl. This young conservative's body is saying "let's go" / but her heart is saying "no."

Exhibit 4. Damsel in distress. Judging by the provocative positioning of her hands inside her totally hip distressed pants, this young lady is sending a message that not all conservatives are chaste, innocent home schoolers (cf. Exhibit 3).

Exhibit 5. Belly shirt. Bare midriff = hottest [junior high] style ever.

Exhibit 6. Space alien. This model earned her fame by proving that it is possible to be more frightening than Ann Coulter.

Exhibit 7. History lesson. Although it may be true that America needs more shirts which can convey, in twelve seconds worth of reading, the complexities of every American military occupation overseas since 1944, this shirt will fail miserably because (1) they stole the font and colors from a monster truck logo and (2) the photographer's focus was her butt, not the shirt.

Exhibit 8. Party girls. These young ladies want to nuke the moon. And get drunk and make out with each other in front of guys.

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I've lost all respect for Ben Stein.

Judging by his attire, so has he.

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April 18, 2008


Tony, Chase:

You should submit your closet office to the Unclutterer Flickr pool. See this and this.

April 14, 2008

shit, goddamn, i'm a man

this blog is getting too busy.

anyway, here's where I'll live come June (scroll around if the default map is too zoomed):

View Larger Map

i signed the lease on 'er today.

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April 11, 2008


*(You can tell you have full on, don't-give-a-fuck senioritis when you spend between the hours of 12 and 3 AM watching the Ramones documentary. In its entirety. On YouTube. And you take a half-hour break in the middle to go to Wal-Mart just because you're hungry and don't want McDonald's. It will happen to you. So don't fight it....)

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April 10, 2008

One Way or Another

While Wikipedia-ing this album (which they now have at Mossey Library, along with this album, this concert, and soon, on my request, these two box sets), I eventually made my way from Blondie (who, let it be known, was a group, and a pretty damn good pop group at that) to the entry on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I noticed that there were a lot of bands that weren't in the hall (see: The Stooges, Beefheart, T. Rex, Tom Waits, Brian Eno, Cure, Joy Division, Kraftwerk, THE STOOGES!) that very well should be.

The whole point of this post is that in looking this up on Google I found this really interesting article from MTV.com a couple years ago on the subject:

So how do you get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

The writer comes to the same general conclusion that I do (it's all bureaucratic bullshit anyway so who gives a crap?), but it's still an interesting piece.

And, as a reference guide to who will be eligible when, check out Future Rock Hall.

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Not the car movie

“Imagine what a yakuza thriller might look like if it were codirected by Jean-Luc Godard and John Woo, adding a little Sergio Leone and Jean-Pierre Melville, then multiplied by 10, and you might have TOKYO DRIFTER, a deliriously stylized work by the Japanese cult-film director Seijun Suzuki.” (TV Guide)

A flashy 83-minute treat well worth checking out.

By the way, Mossey has U.F.O.s at the Zoo: The Legendary Concert in Oklahoma City.

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April 9, 2008

Hey whoa

Hands down winner (of something): incredible Web site.

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April 6, 2008


-Found: The true Michigan-Indiana state line.
-I just ranted about baseball. It felt good.
-Another good baseball blog site at Bugs and Cranks. I like the guy who does the Devil Rays blog.
-Erotica can be more lucrative than serious literature. Especially gay erotica.
-Carvaggio is the new Warhol. Until you get busted for him. Weird story.
-And, Charlton Heston, star of Planet of the Apes, former NRA president, and Imprimis buddy, is dead at 84. May he rest in peace.

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April 3, 2008

Zippy doos

+ Borat off the hook for recent lawsuit.
+ Try Musicovery, an alternative to Pandora, for Internet "radio."

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April 2, 2008

Freak animal roundup

Freak animal roundup:

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Institute for Humane Studies summer seminars

The Institute for Humane Studies extended the deadline for applying to their summer seminars to April 9. All of the following are free, with tuition, room, and board paid by the IHS.

  • Cinematic & Literary Traditions of Liberty: A Workshop
  • Journalism & the Free Society
  • Liberty & Current Issues
  • Social Change Workshop
  • Exploring Liberty
  • Freedom, Tolerance & Civil Society
  • Individual Freedom & Global Development
  • Liberty, Communication & Change
  • Liberty & Global Sustainability
  • Liberty & Society
  • Poverty & Prosperity
  • The Tradition of Liberty: Advanced Studies

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